My human’s name is Dave Proffitt. He showed up at my Mom’s place a long time ago. He was smiling and looking at my family, bros and sisters. Well finally my surrogate Mom Cris Sweeney decided it was time I had a human family. So I met Dave.
I’m glad Dave adopted me, he’s nice to me. He talks to me all the time. When I tell my other doggies about that they prick their ears forward and tilt their heads from side to side. The neighbor’s dog down the street isn’t really my buddy he’s sort of a jerk really but I feel sorry for him because he says his human doesn’t talk much to him except “ shut up, be quiet.” He says he doesn’t like his human’s tone much. I don’t like that either.
Most of us dogs can smell lots of things besides other dogs, food, and who peed on the trees last. We can smell fear, humor, and fun. We can smell water a long ways away. One of Cris’s dogs human had cancer and when I asked her (female doggie) about it she said she could smell it in him. Dave just smells like aftershave, deodorant, mouthwash, laundry soap, gasoline, grease. His left hand smells funny after he’s been handling that long black thing with strings on it that makes noise. I think Dave calls it a “guitar?” His fingers smell like stainless steel and something else I can’t put my paw on right now. His guitar has a battery inside it, and when it runs down it smells different than when it’s charged up. Sometimes I try to tell Dave it’s getting low while he’s playing and bark at him. He used to tell me to be quiet in a nice gentle way but now he listens more to me. He actually took the battery out of the guitar yesterday and took it back where that worthless, stinky, leaking washing machine deal is. I think he does something to the battery with the washing machine that part of humans I don’t get yet but I’ll figure it out.
Dave has this thing called a car. I love cars. They are just so fun to ride in! Dave rolls the windows down and I get to ride in the back seat or shotgun as he calls it when he wants to go somewhere. The wind blows into the back seat and supercharges my nose with more smells than I can possibly process. In fact it makes me kinda high. A doggy high I think. I like hanging my head out the window, the wind feels really nice going thru my fur, and it makes my ears flap around a lot, reminds me of that dog cartoon in Peanuts. I like riding in Dave’s car he calls it an Oldsmobile? This thing has no back seat so I can lounge around there with lots of room. I can walk all over the back in that car. I look right out the back windows which usually scares people in other cars when they see me. Dave’s Oldsmobile is loud especially to dog ears. But it’s not too bad really. The sound is so deep it just sort of makes my fur stand up on end. It’s got this really cool beat to it and sort of reminds me of my wolf cousin Wyatt that has this really cool rolling jog like canter. When Dave steps down with his right foot the noise gets louder by a lot and I have to sit down and really watch my balance. It gives me a funny feeling in my tummy too. Once I threw up in the Olds but Dave never got mad he just pulled over and let me outside to walk around and he cleaned up the mess and we took off again. I was fine after that. In fact I never got car sick again after that. Dave lets me sit in what he calls the passenger seat. There’s only one seat in this car besides his so I guess all the seats in all the rest of the cars are passenger seats too then? Dog logic here. I like sitting in the front seat of the Oldsmobile it’s really comfy, I think the Kirky humans who made this seat had my dog butt in mind. Dave put part of the safety harness on me one day. The lap and crotch belts didn’t fit too good but the shoulder straps fit after Dave adjusted them. Boy I felt really cool riding around like that. He even stuck a pair of sun glasses on me. People thought I was really handsome I think. We couldn’t use them because they kept falling off my head. I am a dog after all. Dave kissed me for doing it. He’s like that. I think I like being kissed by humans. It’s a nice experience. Dave brags a lot about me to other humans. I can smell when someone is lying or as he calls it “bullshitting.” The dude down the street smells like a huge pile of “bullshit.” I don’t like the timbre of his voice, it’s squeaky and trembly, probably not so as a human would notice it but I can hear it trembling in the background. Wyatt my wolf cousin told me that if you hear that from a human it means they are lying about something. Wyatt’s never wrong about anything. Dave’s voice is pretty steady most of the time unless he’s doing something that resembles coughing only he smiles while he doing it. I think I heard that was called laughter. When Dave plays with me he does strange things with the pitch of his voice and the tones. It makes me want to tear around the house and act silly. He laughs at me a lot when I do this. I love playing with Dave. We have wrestling matches on the bed. I always win. He says I cheat. I don’t cheat I just use Dog logic. If you lightly nip a human on their back and down their arms it makes them laugh and then they can’t wrestle. So that’s what I do. Hey it works.
Dave has this pretty red headed girl pal. Her name is Laraine. Dave just calls her L. Guess he’s too lazy to say her name. I think it’s nice it sounds good thru dog ears. She’s really pretty and nice to me. She hugs me, and kisses my head; she brings me toys, balls and such. She also has one of these guitar things too. Her left hand smells just like Dave’s. I think the guitar has something to do with this. Dog logic. She also smells way different in some things than Dave does. I think that’s because she’s a female. I know Dave likes her. They always smile at each other a lot and laugh. I never worry about humans when they are laughing.
I heard the guy down the street, you know the bad smelling dude, telling someone that dogs can’t see colors. How does he know? He really smelled of cow poop that day. He drives this bad looking blue pickup. It smokes a lot and stinks kinda like he does. Dave told me when he drove past us one day, “stinks huh Zeph, well it’s a damn diesel.” There was lots of black smoke coming out of the back end of the truck. There was some other stuff coming out with the smoke. Funny looking tiny sparkle-like stuff. I wish I could get Dave to understand “Dog” better I’d tell him about this stuff. Dave told me he thinks the engine is going in this truck whatever that means. I think it’s the same stuff that I see coming out of the smoke. Dog logic.
This summer was fun at night too. Dave took me outside, with him. He told me he was taking pictures of the stars, whatever that means. He has this little black box that he fusses with and sits it on top of this three legged thing that I tipped over one time. He swears at the little black box once in a while. When I’m outside I like to look around. I can see things in the dark real easy. Dave can’t see this stuff I don’t think. He tells me I have really reflective retinas whatever those are. He says it’s something in my eyes. I don’t know. I can see bugs running around under leaves with no streetlights on, I can see colors that float around in the air, I don’t think humans can see this stuff. Sometimes those odd colors smell funny too. Sometimes they smell good. The ones that smell good either make me want to play or eat. That’s why I like to tear around when it’s what Dave calls Pitch Black. He calls me a “Crazy Thing.” He says it nicely and laughs so I think that’s pretty good.
I forgot a couple of things about riding around in the Olds. First of all I like the way it smells when it’s making noise. It’s strong but it’s also kinda exciting and fun. When I get inside it it smells sorta like it does when it’s making noise only not so strong and a little different. I can also smell some kind of perfume. Its a sweet sort of woodsy smell but not really real woods. Dave plays around with these little things that look like trees with strings on top of them He has them hanging up in the Olds from this thing he welded in there he calls “A roll cage.” Damned if I really know what it is. I think the smell comes from these little trees. When I get done riding around in the Olds I really feel good! I feel like tearing around the yard and playing Chuckit Ball with Dave, and peeing on lots of stuff. He got sort of cross with me one time for peeing on the front tire of the Oldsmobile. I don’t do that anymore. I just wanted everyone to know that it was “our car” was all. Dave told me I didn’t have to do that. Okay I won’t.
Dave doesn’t know I wrote this so I’ll surprise him and post it on my FB page. I might even put it on his blog site. I hope all you friends of Dave don’t mind reading something from his Doggie Zeph?