Quantum Mechanics for Dogs

Quantum Mechanics for Dogs

Dave talks to me about the stuff that he reads
A lot of it with words I can barely heed.
It makes me feel good when he talks to me
He explains things so I can almost see.

Dave reads stuff that sounds kinda strange
When he explains to me thru the human-dog exchange
He finished a book about Quantum Mechanics
These words tangle my dog tongue into panic

So he tells me this story about tiny little particles
Smaller than Iams Minnie Chunks these sub atomic articles
Hard to imagine until I thought about ants
Imagine a Dog speaking some science rant?

So he told me about things like protons, neutrons and quarks
I got so excited I started to bark!
Then he said the things called quarks have flavors
That made me drool all the quarks I could savor!

Tasty little buggers I could eat quite a few.
But he said quarks are too small and hard to chew.
Maybe for him but not for me.
I got “quark” incisors in my mouth you see.

He also said there things called photons
Much lighter than neutrons and protons
He said these particles are like bad Oregon Drivers
That crash into each other and leave strange survivers

With odd names like Gamma Ray Photon
Whose kid sisters name is Emily Positron.
I think she must be from a divorced family
With a different last name even a Dog can see.

Dave says that neutrinos are really strange
And that they have an almost limitless range
He says they can pass right through you and not hurt
I think I just felt one go thru my tail into the dirt!

Dave says there is also something called the Time Line.
This stuff is starting to straing my Dog IQ real fine
Dave says Mr. Proton and Mr. Electon had a traffic accident
Hit so hard they were all beat up and bent

When the kids flew out of the Proton Mobile
They went off on a tangent quite miniscule
When out of the bus came little Gamma Ray Photon
Dave says this is because of the wreck with Mr. Electron

So poor little Gamma went out the back door
Backwards thru the Time Lines front door.
So Dave says that’s how the kids go back in time.
For a repeat performance on the time line.

I have this Chuckit Ball that’s orange and bright
Dave says it could be photon of light.
When he throws it for me
I have become the photonic Dogton you see.

I think I’m starting to get this “Quantum” deal.
Relating science to food has it’s appeals
Now I’m the only Doggy on the block
That understands the sub atomic clock

I’m starting to feel like a real smarty pants.
And it all has to do with my recollection of ants.
Quantum Mechanics for dogs not very hard you see.
When Dave explains all of this to me.

Zephyr and Dave Proffitt
2:02 pm


I saw her thru the windshield of my truck
And she looked a little down on her luck
Walking down the 26 her dog and her
From happier times that were.

Beyond her by now
Her life gone beyond her somehow
Gray stocking hat pulled over silver hair
Her time-lined face still fair.

I saw all of this as I went past
I saw a faint smile on her lips that asked
If I would stop for her and her dog
The wake of my truck swirled a silver cloak of fog

Around her fleeting image swirling
The mist around her unfurling
And I could not go on
Unto the side of the road I was drawn

I rolled down the window as she came up to the truck
This pretty older woman down on her luck
Green eyes beaming upon me sparkling
Her countenance almost startling

“Buddy can ride in the bed” She said
“He can ride inside instead.” I said
My dog was pleased to have a back seat friend
Two black German Shepherds to this legend.

“Thank you kind sir” she said to me
“He is always with me.”
And her dog got into the back seat
Tufts of brown hair sprouting from his big feet.

And his graying muzzle was telling of his age
And I looked into the soft brown eyes of this canine sage.
And he said to me silently “Thank you for her.”
“We are travelers from times that are and times that were.”

“Buddy must have been talking to you.”
Somehow this old woman knew.
“He has this special gift.”
“And your spirits he can lift.”

“My name is Magnhildur but folks call me Magen.”
“My Mother told me it was Icelandic in origin.
And with this I could see the ancient warrioress.
Hiding in the fine lines of her stress

“And you must be David William?” she said unto me.
“And the last part Proffitt spelled with two fs’ and two T’s?
I was dumbfounded that she knew my name
In  her green eyes flashed an ancient flame.

I laughed and told her she had it all right so far
This beautiful old woman so strange and bizarre.
She reached out and took my right hand in her left.
Her lovely fingers so magically deft.

Her high cheek bones and aquiline nose
Giving her thin lips a sweet repose.
That loved to break into a broad smile
Revealing perfect white teeth that beguile

Any man who would look upon her
The tiny lines upon her face did blur
And so she became ageless
And so her beauty to me was endless.

“Not every man sees this in me.”
“But within you a special gift I see.”
And her laugh was musical and intoxicating
She took off her hat, her silver mane breathtaking.

I just sat there staring at her
She had the essence of fir trees and myrrh
“Not to worry my dear man.”
She reached over and touched my face with her right hand.

Long slender fingers and longer nails
Such tactile feedback that entails
It’s implicit message to me
Her ageless beauty easy to see.

I felt my emotions running away with themselves
As this warrioress from times passed cast her spell.
And her breathy kiss upon my lips did fall
And her deep soft-whipsered promises did call

To my very soul
Promises she did extol
From me to her
Her magic I began to incur.

Then she released her spell from me
Her green eyes dancing with glee
And she said to me, “It is as it was.”
“ I can no longer hold you because”

“You must want me without the magic”
And the tone in her voice became tragic
And my heart would not let her go.
And so I told her so.

The fires in her green eyes did burn
And her smile tilting at me did return.
I saw a tear at the corner of her pretty eyes
So I asked her “Why do you cry?”

“I will lift the magic from you eyes.”
“And you will see the real me when the magic dies.”
“And you will despise what you see.”
“So you will never love me.”

“Cast your magic aside so I may see the real you.”
She touched my face again and I knew
That I could perceive no difference in her countenance
Because of our soul’s resonance.

“Well David William do you still like what you see?”
“Will you still love me?”
“Magen I see no difference with these eyes.”
“You still have me mesmerized.”

And she began to cry
Liquid chromium from those emerald eyes.
I held her face in my hands
I felt transported into other lands

With this lady of time
This woman of internal rhyme
Whose meter is synchronized with my own.
Sometimes you just know this down to the bone.

So I drove this woman to my home besides
And in a year I made her my bride.
And she lived with me until we all died.
At the same time her and I our dogs alongside.

Dave Proffitt
8:20 pm

Six Decades of Dogs

Well here I go again with Dogs. Dogs are and have been a part of my life from the very beginning. When I was barely old enough to walk we had a Collie Dog named Lady. She was a real special dog too. Dad used to take her fishing with us and basically everywhere we went that you could take a dog to in those days.  She got something wrong in her hips which rendered her unable to stand up. So she would scoot along after me as I went down the sidewalk in Gladstone. It used to break my father’s heart to see her like that, so he curtailed my walks. Poor Lady had most of the hair on her haunches and legs scraped off. It wasn’t too long after that, they had her put down. Since that time dogs have been in my life continually.

All sorts of dogs, mutts, Austrailian Shepherds, Border Collies, Collies, Huskies, labs, last but not least German Shepherds. All equally good dogs in their own ways. Each breed has it’s own personalities and quirks but I never found any of them to be faults. I also never thought much of breed snobs either. You know, people that look down their noses at mutts and other dog because they don’t have papers?  Not important to me.

I have learned patience, loyalty and humor from my dogs. I’ve learned that if my dog doesn’t like someone that came over to the house there was a good reason for it. I’ve also found that if someone didn’t like my dogs, then I made it a point to not be friends with that person. Something wrong with a person that doesn’t like dogs in my opinion.

You  can tell how much interaction people have with their dogs if you see them in their vehicles.  When I lived in Willamette I would see JR with Max in his truck, and most of the time Zeph would be in my truck. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.  One dude told me one time, “I wouldn’t let my dog trash the interior of my truck it’s too nice for that.”  Really. First of all I wonder if he brushes his dog? Zeph gets it a couple of time a week. He don’t trash my dually either. True I might have to use the shop vac a little more often but the truck gets filled up with fir needles up here anyway so keeping the truck clean isn’t a big deal. Zeph doesn’t chew anything up in the truck either because he knows I’m coming back. I tell him so too. Every time I got someplace with him.

Having your dog in your vehicle is the best theft, and break in deterrent there is.  Who in their right mind would break into a car with a medium to large sized dog inside?  Having your dog in your car in parking lot also brings some interesting experiences with it. I drove up to Theftway in Welches last summer. Zeph was in the front seat. It was in the evening and I left the passenger window down just far enough for him to get about half his snout out of it. He’s not one of these dogs to get crazy when someone walks by. But I keep the windows up far enough so that he can’t get his snout out of the vehicle. I had the dually parked right in front of the store. I got the last stall on the left hand side of the entry way. There’s a handicap stall on the south end but nothing else. I was in the checkout stand when I heard some commotion outside. I recognized the bark as Zephyr. Then I heard lots of swearing, and could tell someone was swearing at Zephyr. I went outside and here’s this dude and his wife standing back about 3 feet away from the truck yelling at Zephyr. Now the dog was really pissed as well he should be. So I’m looking at this prima donna standing there. Braided long gray-yellow hair, shorts, sandals, bullshit baseball hat on backwards. This guy is loosing points with me just the way he’s dressed let alone his behavior.

So I open the drivers door and install a small bag of groceries. The douche’ bag directs his anger at me now. “I suppose that’s your f__king dog right?”  “That son of a b–tch almost gave me a heart attack!”  People coming out of the store are stopping and looking at him. So I close the door and walk around the back of the truck and walk up in front of him. “Yeah he’s my dog, so what?”  “Well he almost gave me a heart attack!”  ” I see your still standing up right?”  “Well I might not have been!”  “I’m sorry if my dog scared you, he’s just doing what he’s supposed to do.”

“And that means barking at me?”  “Well you probably did something he thought was suspicious.”  “What were you doing around my truck anyway?”  “I wasn’t around your G_d   truck .”  ” Well here’s the way this is gonna work out, you can take this up with me, or, I can let the dog out and you can take it up with him, which I think would be a real bad idea for you, or you can just go home.”  “Now come on Bud, lets just go home.” Wifey says.  Bud chose door number three.  Fast forward into October. Same exact scenario,  dually parked out front same spot, Zephyr in the back seat. I’m in the store down by the TV Dinners. This dude comes into the store down the aisle I’m in and he’s the same age as Bud. He smiles at me and says “is that your black dog in the dually?”  “Yeah he is.” The man starts laughing, he says, “well I got a dog at home just like him and he does the same thing.”  ” I hope he didn’t scare you?”  “Nah he was just doing what he is supposed to.”  So I go outside and him and this other guy, musta been neighbors come out, and they’re looking at Zeph thru the window. Both of them start talking to me, nicely though. The one guy says how much Zeph looks like his dog, about three times and finally his buddy agrees with him. So I open the passenger door and introduce Zeph to these guys. They were a little cautious at first. Zeph liked them when he saw me talking to them.  What a difference between Bud and these two guys? Wow. Some people go looking for trouble and others side step around it.

I’ve found that most folks that live up here are like the second set of guys. It’s fun just to go to the store, you can start up  converstation with any of the locals, men or women and they’re genuinely nice. I doubt if Bud was a local. He might have been but sure didn’t act like it.

I have lots of gals comment on Zephyr. He’s a chick magnet.  Wish I was. LOL!  “Is that a wolf?” Nope, ” what is he bred with?”  Nothing he’s pure bred. “He can’t be he’s black.” They have black German Shephers.  “Well he’s got long hair too.”  German Shepherds have three basic coats, standard, plush and long coats. Zephyr is a long coat.

“well I just never seen a German Shepherd that looks like that, are you sure he isn’t a wolf?”  About as sure as I am that you aren’t Little Red Riding Hood.”

Having a dog I think makes you a better human being. Just my opinion here. They can teach you things no other animal can.  I’m really proud to say that I’ve had dogs in my life for almost 66 years.  Am I better for it, well I think I am.  You tell me. Smile.


Dogs and Us

Dogs in the house and dogs in our lives.
Makes us more interesting and wise.
Pleased with themselves on dog breaths panted.
Smiling eyes leaving you enchanted.


With their simplicity of love.
Always wanting to be a part of.
Our everyday lives we may find boring.
Their enthusiam for life we find restoring.


My dog will ride in anything with wheels.
Going to the store with me is a big deal.
For him and and his chance to go with me.
He gets a new vantage point on the world to see.


Sitting in the front seat where not many dogs can go.
His head out the window his ears to and fro.
The wind teases his nose with too many scents.
Eagerly accepts this which  the wind presents


Sometimes I wish I were a dog.
Enjoying simple things like peeing on a log.
Or chasing a crow I’d never catch, out of the yard.
Then snoozing all night from playing too hard.


And I like it when Dave brushes my coat.
He hugs me and calls me “show doggie” and gloats.
And I feel real handsome when he’s done with me.
It makes me feel good that he likes what he sees.


Scientists think we’re smarter than they thought
They used to say monkeys are smarter, I think not.
Now they question this, “gee do ya think?”
Dave tells his friends that dogs are the missing link.


Between wolves and humans they say.
We are 97% compatible with wolf DNA.
We are 100% compatible with our human friends.
No other animal with them so blends.


Dogs and humans share the same soul.
So God lets them all into heaven on a roll.
Their good humor lubricates the heavenly cogs.
And what would heaven be without dogs?



So I say to you
“If all my dogs arent’ in heaven
Then I ain’t goin.”

This one’s for Max.


Dave Proffitt
8:18 pm

Grocery Run with Dave


Well I snuck into the office for another quick story. Dave is watching TV so I don’t think he can hear me typing. I don’t think he cares if I write anymore. I haven’t hurt this computer thingy of his.

Dave and I went into town the other day in his leaky Thunderbird. I don’t like that car as much as I like Dave’s Olds. The Olds is really fun! Woof!  I can walk around back there real easy. I can peek out at people thru the side window. I usually scare them! That’s so funny! 

Well we drove into town and got down to Fred Meyers. I have to sit in the car when Dave goes in there. He says they won’t let doggies in the store, yet. Does that mean they might pretty soon? I wonder what’s in there.  I like to watch people while I’m waiting for Dave. So I’m sitting there, I climbed up into the front seat so’s I can see better. I see this kid who’s kinda big, like too big around in the center of him? Part of his center part is hanging over his shorts I think Dave calls them. It looks like his shorts are gonna fall off of him. I wonder if he knows that? I don’t’ think he could run fast with his shorts like that. What if someone threw him a ball? He couldn’t chase it very good. I could beat him real easy. Of course I can beat any human at that, they aren’t very good on their feet compared to us doggies! Pant pant!   Anyway he had this thing on his head. Dave says that’s a baseball hat, but this one looked funny. The long part was on the back of his head. I think he forgot which part of his head has his face on it maybe?  I don’t think all humans are this stupid just some of them.  He had on some goofy looking shoes too. Black things that looked like water would get into them if he stepped into a mud puddle.

So I watched this guy, there was another man with him. He looked about as silly as the other guy.  Both of them smelled bad too. One smelled like old sweat and bacon grease. The other one smelled kinda dangerous. I didn’t like either one of them much. They stopped and started lookin at the car. Our car.  One guy was talking to the other one. I couldn’t hear what they were saying because there was this diesel truck that pulled in next to our car. When he shut the motor off then I could hear them. They were a long ways away but my ears work pretty good. That’s why they stick up like they do I think. I heard one of them say, “let’s go see if that T bird’s doors are unlocked.”  They started walking over toward our car. I hunched down in back so they couldn’t see me. Dave leaves the car unlocked because he says “nobody is stupid enough to get into this car with Zephyr in it.” These guys are stupid enough I think. They also haven’t seen me…….yet. I get myself all hunched up in the right hand side of the back seat. There’s a shadow in this area that hides me pretty good, and I am all black after all.  The fat guy comes right up to the driver’s side of the car and opens the door. I wait until he sticks his head and shoulders inside the car. I launched myself at him and bite him on the ear!  I was snarling and he fell backwards out of the car. He shouldn’t have slipped because I had my teeth through his ear and when he fell backwards it came off in my mouth! Yuck!  You shoulda seen him flopping around on the ground! I spit his ear out and he grabbed it! He was really trying to stand up and get back from the car. The other guy was saying lots of cuss words and looking really scared. The guy I bit was holding his hand over his head where his ear used to be and he was bleeding a lot. He had a big wet spot on the front of his shorts too. I wonder what that was? I really didn’t want his ear, I just was mad that he would get into our car!  They ran away. I cleaned myself up real good.  

This guy in a big silver truck parked in front of our car. He backed into the parking spot instead of pulling in head first. I don’t get that. I think he bumped into the car behind him. I heard this thump and then a tinkle like broken glass. He said “shit” inside his truck.  He got out and went back and looked. Then he got back in his truck and moved it real quick. The car he ran into had two broken headlights in front. The owner wasn’t in the car when he hit it. So he parks his truck down at the end of the line. He’s trying to be sneaky I know.  Then this other car pulls up and this woman has a bunch of little dogs in it. They look like rats to me. One is standing on the passenger seat snarling at me and showing me his teeth. He’s cussing at me in doggie language, calling me a big clumsy asshole or something like that. He’s really a nasty little bastard.  There’s another one in the back seat and he’s jumping up and down from the seat to the package shelf and back.  The one that’s being shitty to me is still snarling at me. I notice that the window is down a little bit in his car. The window in our car is also down a little bit too. So I uncork one of my loudest and deepest barks I can at the little son of a bitch. He squats down and puts his ears back. He starts peeing all over the seat back!  Woof woof! That’s funny. His owner has already went into the store. I decided to bark at him again! This time the other one in the back seat squats down and goes to the bathroom on the back seat! Wow, what a bunch of crude little shit heads!! 

Well Dave comes out of the store pushing this funny looking basket like deal with wobbly wheels. It’s full of all sorts of stuff in plastic bags. I think that’s the groceries.  Dave goes to the back end of the car and in a little while slams the trunk closed and pushes the basket thing back over to where more of them are all shoved into each other. He comes over to get into the car and says to me “hey Ziggy looks like there’s some blood on the ground here?” Wonder where that came from? “   I just tilt my head at him a pant. He scratches my head and says, “were you a good boy?”  I sure was.

Zephyr Proffitt

Hot Rod Heaven

   My hot rod lady pal Missie White told a friend of hers on Face Book, I’ll see you in Hot Rod Heaven. So I started thinking what that would be like.

   Here’s my take on that. We get up to the pearly gates and St. Peter says, “Yeah hath done well in the eyes of the Lord with thy hot rod. Ye hath done thy best to maketh your hot rod as fast as it could be.”  “Go forth unto the kingdom of heaven for I have prepared a place for thee in thine shop, and at thy track so that ye may dwell at the drag strip of the Lord forever. Ye shall become legendary even unto heaven!” 

   Boy with a greeting like that I can’t wait to get into heaven! So the first day I get there, here’s my Cutlass! Yep it never got sold it went right up here with me! Cool!  I walk into my shop and it’s neat and clean for a change. There’s a note on my argon bottle on my welder that says “forever full, no charge.”  There are 240 vdc outlets anywhere I want them in the shop. There are a double row of engines sitting on engine stands, waiting to be put back together. Of course all the machine work is done to them and it’s all perfect to be sure.  This line up of engines includes 455 Olds, 454 & up Big Block Chevs, there’s a few Chrysler hemis there, and one of the “shop angles” says that the last to in line are 392’s!!!   There’s a double decker shelf full of 6-71 thru 14-71 blowers sitting there and next to them are racks of Enderle and Hillborne hats. I even notice a couple of old square two hole Enderle injectors sitting there “just because.”  There’s a whole box full of Sid Waterman and Hillborne fuel pumps. I see a box of old Vertex Scintilla Magnetos and there’s half a dozen Schiefer magnetos there too, all brand new of course. In the back of the shop there’s a lineup of every possible Goodyear Drag slick ever made, and a complete line of Goodyear front runners too. Right next to that are rows upon rows of American Racing Mags, Weld Wheels Cragars, you name it.  I asked the shop angle why there were not “manure spreader” 21-24 inch wheels in here and he said “well we even have limits in Heaven Dave.” Good enough for me.

   There were three paint booths on the front side of the shop and they all were stocked with a full supply of House of Kolor paints and notes on all the cans that said “never empty ever!”  There were at least a hundred different spray guns hanging up most were DeVillbis or Satas. These were all new as well. There was several apprentice shop angles working around the shop making sure it was clean enough to eat off of.  The main shop angles Name was Pete. I asked him about that and he said” I suppose you were thinking something like Gabriel then?” “We’re pretty down home here.”  So Pete said to me, “Hey I gotta show you something!” So we went around to the back side of the shop and here was another building that I never even knew existed. He opened the door and here was a 60’s era front engine top fuel dragster! It had a blown 392 Chrysler hemi in it Enderle bug catcher on top and ran on 98%!  He said “The Lord wants to see you run this car tomorrow!”  “Don’t worry you can’t die doing it you already did that! “ Then he laughed.  He also said “even though you never drove one while you were alive you can drive this like your name is Don Prudehomme up here!”  Well this put a smile on my face.

    So by now I was a little tired. Yeah you get tired in heaven too but it’s not the same you still feel like a million bucks and your feet don’t hurt.  It’s just a nice way of going from day to day in heaven.  Pete told me it’s an easy way to live for eternity up here.

  So I woke up and here’s Ziggy standing over me licking my face!

I can understand him too! He’s asking me what’s on the agenda for today. So I told him that the Lord want us to run a top fuel car all day!  Ziggs thought that would be fun but was concerned the noisy thing would hurt his dog ears.  Pete said “Hey I heard that, nope it won’t hurt your ears and there’s a back seat for Zeph in the car too!”  Wow!  Next thing I know Zeph and I are sitting at a table at the Zigg Zag Inn!  They serve dogs in heaven right alongside humans. Ziggy’s having left overs and Iams Minnie Chunks. I have hotcakes and whip cream and some perfect bandannas on top. I’m sipping a cup of Kona Coffee that is 100% fresh and it’s perfect, whip cream on top of it too. No cholesterol or fat worried up here.  I get done and we’re at the track. I see Pete pull in with my dually with the digger on a trailer. There are lots of new top fuel cars here and tons of expensive corporate trailers and trucks. Seems like the high dollar guys got into heaven after all. Pete sees me looking at this and says, “Don’t worry about this, Dave this is part of the fun here. God does have a sense of humor.”  I still didn’t know what he was talking about.  I help Pete roll the digger off the trailer.  There’s a drum of nitro on the trailer that also has a sign on it that says “never empty.” We fuel up the digger and I get into the car. A couple of crew angles come over and fiddle with the hat and barrel valve. They stick a starter motor on the blower drive and Pete says “flip the mag switch on Dave, and don’t touch the throttle.” So I do. The starter motor rolls the big Chrysler over with no trouble pumping its low compression pistons up and down like there’s no spark plug in it.  One of the other crew angles is spraying something into the hat out of a funky looking plastic bottle that looks for all the world like a ketchup bottle. All of the sudden the car rocks back and forth the the motor is running!  Wow this is great!  Pete yells at me, it’s just on gasoline right now I’m gonna switch it over to Nitro.  The car is vibrating and shaking pretty good and it’s idling at about 1850 rpm.  Pete does something up on the barrel valve and the motor starts sounding like a series of explosions!  It’s really shaking now. Pete says “wing it a couple of times Dave.” I give the throttle a quick stab with my right foot and it explodes in front of me then returns to a semi-reasonable idle. The rpm climb in these motors is fantastic!  Pete changes something again that the motor goes back to being Dr. Jekyll instead of Mr. Hyde. Pete gives me the “slit your throat “gesture which means shut the engine down.  I kill the magneto and the motor quits.

    An NHRA dude is walking over to me. He says I get to be the first one down the track this morning. This doesn’t sit too well with the guy standing there with a big Al Anabi logo on his shirt and Energy drink baseball hat on. He says to the NHRA dude, “no he’s not we’re first we have to do a test run to see if our tune up is right.”  The NHRA guy smiles at him and says, “go back to your car and sit down. When all the rest of these guys are done maybe I’ll let you corporate guys run, maybe.”” If you give me any trouble about it I’ll send you downstairs and you can polish the red cars that get real hot and smell like sulphur.”  The corporate driver goes back over and pops the top on one of his energy drinks.   Gee this is fun! 

    We fire the digger back up and Ziggy is led over to the car. He’s got a special doggy fire suit on and a helmet with ear holes cut in the top. He looks cute in his get up. He’s panting and telling everyone how much fun he’s having.  Pete lifts him up and puts him in the seat behind me. The car is running good and making lots of racket. The crew rolls it up to the starting line. Pete says they got some sort of throttle stop on it for the burn out. He says all I gotta do is line it up, let the clutch all way out and hammer it for a second or two. Then push the clutch back in and hit the hand brake. Simple enough. The car looks like it’s a mile long. The motor is so huge it’s hard to see over. Actually all I can see is the magneto, rear of the blower case and the back end of the hat. I can see two tiny motorcycle wheels on the front axle of the car and in between them is a small aluminum wing.  The front wheels roll thru some Holy Water.  I wait till the slicks get wet and I let the clutch out. The car lurches forward a bit. I hammer the throttle and the whole back end of the car goes into white tire smoke instantly. It literally throws me into the seat so hard I feel like I’m gonna puke, but then you can’t puke in heaven it’s impossible.  I let up on throttle the same time I shove the clutch in and grab the hand brake. The motor goes to idle and the car slows down nicely.  I shift the reverser in and wait till the smoke clears.  Pete is standing in front of the car and backs me up in my own tire tracks with hand signals. Wow! Never thought I’d be doing this ever! I guess it pays to be nice while you’re alive.  So I get back to the starting pad and now they are inching me up to the Christmas Tree.  Actually the Christmas Tree is highly revered up here in heaven due to its name. God is pleased that we named this piece of eq        uipment after his Son’s birth, so you see drag racing is a fairly Holy sport.  The stage lights come on. Pete tells me to hold the clutch in and when the light goes green dump it and floor the throttle. I’m a little apprehensive about doing that even if I am in heaven. Old habits die hard I guess.  The second stage light comes on. All the crew angels are gone and its just me, the Christmas tree 1320 feet of immaculate asphalt and God as the spectator and Ziggy as my back up. 

   Oops here comes the first yellow light. I pick the rpms up anyway despite what Pete said, like I said “Old habit die hard.”  At last the last yellow goes out and dump the clutch and nail the throttle.  The car leaps forward and the front wheels go up into this nice slow wheel stand.  The car is going forward at warp speed and is accelerating so hard I’ve lost my breath. The front wheels come down gently and the car is like a cruise missile by now. It’s easy to control the long wheel base makes it as stable as a yuppie’s BMW.  The blower is whining like crazy, the exhaust is a deep roar that’s vibrating all the air in my lungs. The nitro stings my eyes but that gets fixed instantly we are in heaven after all. This motor is singing to me and I love it. We go thru the last MPH clock and I pull the fuel valve shut, pull the parachute and cautiously hit the hand brake. I’m letting the motor run out under compression to flush the nitro out of it. Later on Pete will tell me I didn’t have to do that because motors don’t’ blow up in heaven unless you have a corporate sponsor then they blow up quite routinely, much to the chagrin of the crew chiefs.

   Ziggy is laughing and panting like a locomotive! He tells me he’s never has so much fun!  Digger doggie, I like that a lot.

   I see my friend Missie has pulled into the pits with a brand new Chev dually. She’s got her Olds on a nice trailer and it’s sporting a brand new paint job and some huge slicks that Pete and his crew put underneath her car one evening while she was asleep. They helped Missie do some major engine work to her car because I was busy.

    “Hi Dave!” Missie says in her cute Tennessean drawl. “Thet was a really cool pass you made, you ever driven one of them things before?”  “nope I never did!” I tell her and I then explain that you can drive whatever you want to up here. This makes her giggle and laugh. Boy I wonder what thoughts went thru that pretty head of hers?”  Makes me laugh too. Pete says that God wants us to give the corporate people a lecture on manners tomorrow.  Sounds like fun to me I can’t wait. God told me that he wants Ziggy to talk to them too. This should really be fun!




Hanging out In Brightwood with Dave


   I thought I’d sneak in a quick story about today Dave doesn’t know I’m on the computer again. I have a tough time with the keyboard but I figured out how to do those stupid little buttons with my toe nails.

I think a keyboard for a dog would be pretty big. So lately I’ve been hanging out with Dave in the shop. It’s too wet and cold to have much fun chasing the ball outside, but I’ll do that in any weather though.

Dave has been making lots of sparks and bright blue lights in the shop. I think he calls it welding and he has this gadget that hisses really loud and shoots lots of orange sparks all over the floor. He calls that thing a “plasma cutter?”  Beats me what a plasma cutter is, sounds sorta final to my dog ears. I like to snoop in the shop, there are all sorts of new smells out there, and new deely-bobs to play with. I get kinda dusty when I’m in there but Dave usually blows me off with this hose like gadget that sounds like a big snake. It gets all those silver curly que things outa my hair too. Dave said those are metal shavings. I don’t know what he’s up to but he’s working on that Oldsmobile car of his. I love riding around in it!  I’m getting excited just thinking about it, pant pant!  Sorry, but I feel like I’m real cool sitting in my own seat in that car. There’s no back seat so it must be my seat then right? Dave said it was anyway. I believe him.

The other night when I went out side with Dave I chased this damn raccoon clear over to the neighbor’s house! Boy that was fun!  I almost got him too. Dave told me to leave them alone says they might hurt me. I wouldn’t bite one I just like to chase them. They look real funny running, kinda pear shaped ya know? 

I’ve been shedding a lot lately. I don’t know why either. Dave has to run that noisy yellow thing all over the floors three or four times a week. Sometimes I think I make a lot of work for him but he never complains a bit about that. He’s always telling me I’m the cutest dog in the world, and that he loves me so I guess he’s not mad at me. He takes lots of pictures of me too. I guess maybe he forgets what I look like from one week to the next maybe?   He says he’s gonna brush my teeth one of these days! Gosh I wonder what that’s about? What’s a brush?  He says I’ll like it.  I don’t think so.

The guy next door with the smelly truck came by the other day. He drove that stinking noisy thing past our house and out onto the highway. I keep seeing this shiny metallic looking stuff coming out of the back end along with lots of black smoke. The guy that drives this thing smells funny too. He smells like he’s unhappy. His wife smells like she’s scared. I wonder if he scares her?

I wish Steve and Gabriella would come over. I love playing with Gabby. Her little voice hurts my ears when she screams, but she does that because she’s having fun playing ball with me. She’s so small. I have to be careful I don’t bump into her, cause I knocked her down one time. It was an accident. I didn’t get in trouble for it either. Steve is nice and he talks to his little girl a lot. I think he said she’s autistic whatever that means. She seems okay to me. In fact I think she understands me better than a lot of humans do except for Dave. I can’t get away with anything around him. I don’t care because he takes me most places with him.

I scared Chris and Jenaie’s little girl the other day. She started crying. Jenaie isn’t ascared of me though. She’s real pretty too. Chris is nice and he pets me a lot.  Jenaie said her little girl cries easily. I wonder why humans do that so much?  Seems to me they are pretty nervous bunch. 

Dave took me into town the other day. I was sitting in the car in the back seat. Dave doesn’t lock the doors when he goes into the stores, I wouldn’t let anyone get in the car but him anyways.  Well this guy that I didn’t like comes walking up to the car. He smelled real funny. Had this sort of chemical like smell on him like maybe he took a bath in Ammonia or something that Dave sprays on his glasses to clean them. I could smell other things on this guy. He was dishonest too. That’s a real bad smell. It’s a real heavy scent. I don’t think humans can smell stuff like this. I also got a whiff of something dangerous about him. Like maybe he had hurt someone a long time ago, but was still capable of doing it at any time. So he comes up and looks in the window. I sat real still until he had part of his face inside the driver’s window, then I snarled really loud and wrinkled up my lips so my teeth was showing. I tried to look real mean, it musta worked because he said something like “holy shit!” He jerked his head back out of the car. He walked away real fast. Dave doesn’t know about this. I think he’d get mad if he did.

I went up to Dave’s friends place in Welches! Boy that was fun! New smells coming in the window faster than I could figure them!  I got sorta dizzy from all the new smells! Cool!  I met Allen and Lorie’s two doggies, Tequila and Fitzmiller.  I think there’s something wrong with Fitzmiller. He’s what Laurie calls a Basset Hound. He’s misshapen little thing, looks more like a footstool than a dog. He’s got these real stubby little legs and long floppy ears. He’s cranky and tries to start fights with me. He even nipped at my front legs the other day. I was on my best behavior at their house so I never shook the little bastard like I wanted to. Dave almost tripped over his little “footstool ass” the other day. He gets right in the way all the time. Dave taught me to stay out of his way and to wait until he goes thru a door before I go out. He always lets me out 99% of the time anyway so why be pushy huh? Fitzmiller is real pushy and he’s as dumb as the foot stool he resembles.  Tequila is an older lady. She’s not cranky and shitty like “footstool” is. She reminds me of a sophisticated older lady. She finally started being nice to me when she saw what gentledog I am.   Fitzmiller is gross too! He started farting because Laurie fed him some left over refried beans. Man that was bad!  I asked Dave to take me out for some fresh air because my dog nose was toast!  We went home after that last insult. Dave likes those people and I do too but I don’t much care for Fitzmiller the Footstool.  Laurie likes me and she kisses me a lot and tells me how big I am. I don’t think I’m that big, she’s just around too many little “foot stool” doggies!  Snort, snort!  Pant pant. Dave told me not to pay any attention to Fitzmiller and that I was a good dog for not turning the little bastard inside out. I wanted to but that’s not nice in someone else’s house. Laurie is nice to me; I like it when she kisses me because she’s pretty and cute in a human sorta way. She smells good too. She makes me feel good around her. I think she’s a good animal human. She has a couple of horses too. I talked to one of the horses the other day and he said that Laurie treats him really pretty good. He likes it when she rides him. He also told me that Fitzmiller was a real pain in the ass. He said he almost stepped on his sorry little ass the other day because he followed Laurie into the barn and then ran into the stable.  He scared her horse and he almost stepped on “foot stool” by accident. Gee that’d be too bad.

I don’t get to see my Golden Retriever girlfriend any more.  Her name is Emma. Dave told me with tears in his eyes that she’s sick and probably wouldn’t live very long. Her eye looked real funny the last time I seen it. I feel bad about that. I liked Emma a lot.  Humans think a lot of us dogs most of the time. At least the good ones do. I know they get really upset when something goes wrong with us dogs.  They had to give me this stuff at the vet’s office that made me get really sleepy and I just passed out for a while. I was pretty groggy when Dave picked me up and he worried about me all night. He was on the phone with the vet’s office for a while. He kept waking me up and petting me. He even brought my water dish in next to me. I was thirsty too. I drank a lot of water. Boy I had a heck of hang over from that deal at the vet’s office. I asked Dave what they did and he said that they X-Rayed my hips whatever that is. It never hurt so I guess its okay.

I knocked out one of my little tiny front lower teeth the other day on ball duty and Dave was sad and kinda upset. He tells me to “take it easy on myself.”  I was just havin fun is all. Besides it don’t hurt any. My vet is this pretty gal, Dave seems to think she’s pretty good. She told Dave that doggies don’t have much feeling in their teeth. I think she’s right.

Dave sure talks to me a lot. Sometimes I don’t’ know what he’s talking about but I like it anyway!  Makes me smile.

Anyway it’s fun hanging out with Dave. I never know what we’re gonna do from one day to the next. I like Dave’s friends. Ron is really nice to me all the time and lets me ride around in the back of his Blazer with Dave. Most of Dave’s friends aren’t ascared of me anymore. I used to make them sit in their cars when they drove up. Now they just get out and I take my ball over to them and we get a game started sometimes.

I can’t wait for summer to get here. More hose games with Dave!

 Zephyr Proffitt