Dave my human was reading this book the other night in bed. I got up on the bed and lay down beside him. One of my favorite places in the world to be. I looked at the cover of this book. The only reason I know it’s a book is because I got into trouble for chewing the corners off of one of his books he really liked. He said in a disappointed at dog tone, “Ziggy look what you did to my book!” Because I really feel bad when Dave is upset with me I remembered what a book is.
So Dave talks to me about everything. I don’t understand half of what he’s saying but I like listening to him. It makes me feel good, I don’t get lonesome or bored this way. He was telling me that he didn’t get some of the things he was reading in this book. So he told me about these little tiny things that are smaller than Iams dog food chunks. He said they are way smaller than that. Hard to imagine, until I thought of ants. Then it made sense sort of. He says these things are called “particles.” I don’t know how humans say this sort of stuff it just twists up my tongue. Then he told me that they are called funny names. Things like protons, and neutrons, electrons, bosons, mesons, and these things that sound like candy bars called quarks. He said there were quarks with flavors! Those made me drool a little. He saw that and said “you can’t eat them Zeph.” He also told me that they have even stranger names, like “strange, and charmed, and have this thing called spin. Hey I could chase it if it was spinning! I’m starting to like quarks. I’ll bet their chewy.
He said that there are also these things called photons. He says that’s why we can see. These little things must have eyes on them maybe? There’s this other particle Dave called a neutrino. I guess they can go right thru you. Dave says you can’t feel that. I think I did! Woof! Okay I’ll quit barking. Now he says that these particles are like Oregon drivers and once in a while run into each other. Crash! Woops! Woof! When this thingy called an electron crashes into another proton some of the kids in the car get kicked out. He said the kids names are Gamma Ray photon and funny names like that. Gamma’s kid sister’s name is positron. She must come from a divorced family I think. Now according to Dave the sister or the brother will crash into someone else. Wow what a bunch of bad drivers huh? Now this part sort of hurts my head a little bit. He is pretty good at explaining this to a dog, that be me, so I’ll try and tell you how this works. When Mr. Electron crashed into Mr. Proton, he was driving along this highway called the “timeline?” Whatever the heck that is. Anyways when the kids flew out of the Proton mobile they went off on a tangent, I image they were kinda pissed off too. So when sissy positron crashed into the next particle I think this was something called a neutron, there were more kids kicked out. One of the kids name was also the same and he is also Gamma Ray Photo. Dave says this is some sort of conservation of energy deal, I don’t get that part but I believe him. Anyway the other kid that got throw out of the bus went down and backwards out the back door of the “timeline.” Dave also said this kid was on a tangent too. Sounds to me like all these kids are really pissed. Dave told me that’s how things go back in time on what’s called the sub atomic level. Wow my head really hurts. I’m gonna go raise hell with Dave so he takes me outside to pee. I need to tear around the yard and chase the balls.
Okay we’re out in the yard. Dave has my Kong in his hand. He calls this the “proton.” Wow more school. Okay okay, I can dig this kinda school. He says “now Ziggy (he calls me that when he plays with me) the Kong or proton is gonna be shot down the particle accelerator, which is my arm.” “ I want you to follow the proton alright?” Not to worry here Dave I’ll catch the damn thing! He throws the Kong, woops “proton.” It wobbles; I guess protons wobble a lot then? Dog Logic. Wobbly protons how awkward. I’ll have to tell my wolf cuz Wyatt about wobbly protons. He’ll laugh. So this thing lands and I’m on it. He says when the proton hits the saw horse outside the shop that the saw horse is really a neutron. Still looks like a sawhorse to me. He said that because of the way the Kong, shoot proton, hits the neutron that due to its angle (haven’t figured that out yet) will go off on some tangent, (I guess the Kong got pissed off for hitting the sawhorse now huh?) Hey don’t tell Dave I called it Kong and sawhorse okay? So that makes it bounce up onto the deck.
I got this orange Chuckit Ball Dave calls it a Gamma Ray Photon. I guess that’s because it’s orange? Dave said this is a high energy particle. I’ll take his word for it. I also got this other ball with little knobby like things that stick out and tickle my gums. Dave calls this one a positron. Dave says this is something called “antimatter.” Actually it “don’tmatter” to me. WOOF WOOF! Dog Humor. He says it’s opposite of an electron which my green tennis ball that L gave me. He talks to me a lot. He told me when I brought the proton (Kong) back to him that, “This is science Ziggy!” He seemed genuinely pleased with himself for teaching his dog what he calls Quantum Mechanics. Dave told me he doesn’t really understand it very much but likes to read about it. He understands it more than I do. I like being the particle chaser though. He told me that you can’t teach monkeys Quantum Mechanics. I also believe that. I never thought monkey were very smart, Dave told me once he went to the zoo and the monkeys were throwing their own poop at people and masturbating. How undignified. When was the last time you ever saw a German Shepherd doing that? Well I never! Wuff.
Used to make me mad when these scientist types used to say that monkeys are smarter than dogs. I don’t think so. Dave says he never thought that monkeys were smarter than dogs. Finally someone on the Discovery Channel did a show called Dogs Decoded. And I’ve become vindicated! It also had a shot of my cousin Wyatt the wolf on there. The humans finally admitted that dogs, that be me!, were a lot smarter than the humans thought they were. Duh! Duh Duh! It’s about time! It showed this monkey trying to get this treat from under a cup. The human testing him would point to the cup and the monkey because he was so greedy, always got the wrong cup. What a dumb ass! Woof!
I get lots of hugs for being a good “science doggy” Dave’s tag for me when he’s got his science teacher hat on. Sometimes I get to be hot rod mechanic too. Dave lets me cruise around in the shop while he’s “wrenching” on his hot rods. I like the word “wrenching”, it reminds me of wrenching something lose with my teeth sorta like the time I “wrenched” the stuffing out of his old comforter. Dave didn’t’ like that much so I don’t do that anymore either. Sure was fun though. I was the dog hero rescuing my girlfriend doggie from the deadly comforter. Of course I had to kill it and shake it just a little. I think my Quantum toys are outside right now. I don’t think rain will hurt my “proton” or the positron that L gave me. I like the positron a lot it smells like L. She’s nice. I like it when she kisses me. Maybe I like Quantum Mechanics after all. Getting hugs from Dave and kisses from L for being a good science doggy is worth being a Dog Scientist!