Quantum Mechanics for Dogs

Quantum Mechanics for Dogs

Dave talks to me about the stuff that he reads
A lot of it with words I can barely heed.
It makes me feel good when he talks to me
He explains things so I can almost see.

Dave reads stuff that sounds kinda strange
When he explains to me thru the human-dog exchange
He finished a book about Quantum Mechanics
These words tangle my dog tongue into panic

So he tells me this story about tiny little particles
Smaller than Iams Minnie Chunks these sub atomic articles
Hard to imagine until I thought about ants
Imagine a Dog speaking some science rant?

So he told me about things like protons, neutrons and quarks
I got so excited I started to bark!
Then he said the things called quarks have flavors
That made me drool all the quarks I could savor!

Tasty little buggers I could eat quite a few.
But he said quarks are too small and hard to chew.
Maybe for him but not for me.
I got “quark” incisors in my mouth you see.

He also said there things called photons
Much lighter than neutrons and protons
He said these particles are like bad Oregon Drivers
That crash into each other and leave strange survivers

With odd names like Gamma Ray Photon
Whose kid sisters name is Emily Positron.
I think she must be from a divorced family
With a different last name even a Dog can see.

Dave says that neutrinos are really strange
And that they have an almost limitless range
He says they can pass right through you and not hurt
I think I just felt one go thru my tail into the dirt!

Dave says there is also something called the Time Line.
This stuff is starting to straing my Dog IQ real fine
Dave says Mr. Proton and Mr. Electon had a traffic accident
Hit so hard they were all beat up and bent

When the kids flew out of the Proton Mobile
They went off on a tangent quite miniscule
When out of the bus came little Gamma Ray Photon
Dave says this is because of the wreck with Mr. Electron

So poor little Gamma went out the back door
Backwards thru the Time Lines front door.
So Dave says that’s how the kids go back in time.
For a repeat performance on the time line.

I have this Chuckit Ball that’s orange and bright
Dave says it could be photon of light.
When he throws it for me
I have become the photonic Dogton you see.

I think I’m starting to get this “Quantum” deal.
Relating science to food has it’s appeals
Now I’m the only Doggy on the block
That understands the sub atomic clock

I’m starting to feel like a real smarty pants.
And it all has to do with my recollection of ants.
Quantum Mechanics for dogs not very hard you see.
When Dave explains all of this to me.

Zephyr and Dave Proffitt
2:02 pm

Dogs and Us

Dogs in the house and dogs in our lives.
Makes us more interesting and wise.
Pleased with themselves on dog breaths panted.
Smiling eyes leaving you enchanted.


With their simplicity of love.
Always wanting to be a part of.
Our everyday lives we may find boring.
Their enthusiam for life we find restoring.


My dog will ride in anything with wheels.
Going to the store with me is a big deal.
For him and and his chance to go with me.
He gets a new vantage point on the world to see.


Sitting in the front seat where not many dogs can go.
His head out the window his ears to and fro.
The wind teases his nose with too many scents.
Eagerly accepts this which  the wind presents


Sometimes I wish I were a dog.
Enjoying simple things like peeing on a log.
Or chasing a crow I’d never catch, out of the yard.
Then snoozing all night from playing too hard.


And I like it when Dave brushes my coat.
He hugs me and calls me “show doggie” and gloats.
And I feel real handsome when he’s done with me.
It makes me feel good that he likes what he sees.


Scientists think we’re smarter than they thought
They used to say monkeys are smarter, I think not.
Now they question this, “gee do ya think?”
Dave tells his friends that dogs are the missing link.


Between wolves and humans they say.
We are 97% compatible with wolf DNA.
We are 100% compatible with our human friends.
No other animal with them so blends.


Dogs and humans share the same soul.
So God lets them all into heaven on a roll.
Their good humor lubricates the heavenly cogs.
And what would heaven be without dogs?



So I say to you
“If all my dogs arent’ in heaven
Then I ain’t goin.”

This one’s for Max.


Dave Proffitt
8:18 pm

Quantum Mechanics for Dogs

Dave my human was reading this book the other night in bed. I got up on the bed and lay down beside him. One of my favorite places in the world to be. I looked at the cover of this book. The only reason I know it’s a book is because I got into trouble for chewing the corners off of one of his books he really liked. He said in a disappointed at dog tone, “Ziggy look what you did to my book!” Because I really feel bad when Dave is upset with me I remembered what a book is.

So Dave talks to me about everything. I don’t understand half of what he’s saying but I like listening to him. It makes me feel good, I don’t get lonesome or bored this way. He was telling me that he didn’t get some of the things he was reading in this book. So he told me about these little tiny things that are smaller than Iams dog food chunks. He said they are way smaller than that. Hard to imagine, until I thought of ants. Then it made sense sort of. He says these things are called “particles.” I don’t know how humans say this sort of stuff it just twists up my tongue. Then he told me that they are called funny names. Things like protons, and neutrons, electrons, bosons, mesons, and these things that sound like candy bars called quarks. He said there were quarks with flavors!  Those made me drool a little. He saw that and said “you can’t eat them Zeph.” He also told me that they have even stranger names, like “strange, and charmed, and have this thing called spin.  Hey I could chase it if it was spinning! I’m starting to like quarks. I’ll bet their chewy. 

He said that there are also these things called photons. He says that’s why we can see. These little things must have eyes on them maybe?  There’s this other particle Dave called a neutrino. I guess they can go right thru you.  Dave says you can’t feel that. I think I did!  Woof!  Okay I’ll quit barking.  Now he says that these particles are like Oregon drivers and once in a while run into each other. Crash!  Woops!  Woof!  When this thingy called an electron crashes into another proton some of the kids in the car get kicked out. He said the kids names are Gamma Ray photon and funny names like that. Gamma’s kid sister’s name is positron. She must come from a divorced family I think. Now according to Dave the sister or the brother will crash into someone else. Wow what a bunch of bad drivers huh?  Now this part sort of hurts my head a little bit. He is pretty good at explaining this to a dog, that be me, so I’ll try and tell you how this works.  When Mr. Electron crashed into Mr. Proton, he was driving along this highway called the “timeline?”  Whatever the heck that is. Anyways when the kids flew out of the Proton mobile they went off on a tangent, I image they were kinda pissed off too.  So when sissy positron crashed into the next particle I think this was something called a neutron, there were more kids kicked out. One of the kids name was also the same and he is also Gamma Ray Photo. Dave says this is some sort of conservation of energy deal, I don’t get that part but I believe him. Anyway the other kid that got throw out of the bus went down and backwards out the back door of the “timeline.” Dave also said this kid was on a tangent too. Sounds to me like all these kids are really pissed. Dave told me that’s how things go back in time on what’s called the sub atomic level. Wow my head really hurts. I’m gonna go raise hell with Dave so he takes me outside to pee. I need to tear around the yard and chase the balls.

Okay we’re out in the yard. Dave has my Kong in his hand. He calls this the “proton.” Wow more school. Okay okay, I can dig this kinda school.  He says “now Ziggy (he calls me that when he plays with me) the Kong or proton is gonna be shot down the particle accelerator, which is my arm.”  “ I want you to follow the proton alright?”  Not to worry here Dave I’ll catch the damn thing!  He throws the Kong, woops “proton.” It wobbles; I guess protons wobble a lot then? Dog Logic.  Wobbly protons how awkward. I’ll have to tell my wolf cuz Wyatt about wobbly protons. He’ll laugh. So this thing lands and I’m on it. He says when the proton hits the saw horse outside the shop that the saw horse is really a neutron. Still looks like a sawhorse to me.  He said that because of the way the Kong, shoot proton, hits the neutron that due to its angle (haven’t figured that out yet) will go off on some tangent, (I guess the Kong got pissed off for hitting the sawhorse now huh?) Hey don’t tell Dave I called it Kong and sawhorse okay? So that makes it bounce up onto the deck.

    I got this orange Chuckit Ball Dave calls it a Gamma Ray Photon.  I guess that’s because it’s orange? Dave said this is a high energy particle. I’ll take his word for it. I also got this other ball with little knobby like things that stick out and tickle my gums. Dave calls this one a positron. Dave says this is something called “antimatter.”  Actually it “don’tmatter” to me. WOOF WOOF! Dog Humor. He says it’s opposite of an electron which my green tennis ball that L gave me. He talks to me a lot. He told me when I brought the proton (Kong) back to him that, “This is science Ziggy!” He seemed genuinely pleased with himself for teaching his dog what he calls Quantum Mechanics.  Dave told me he doesn’t really understand it very much but likes to read about it. He understands it more than I do. I like being the particle chaser though. He told me that you can’t teach monkeys Quantum Mechanics. I also believe that. I never thought monkey were very smart, Dave told me once he went to the zoo and the monkeys were throwing their own poop at people and masturbating. How undignified. When was the last time you ever saw a German Shepherd doing that?  Well I never!  Wuff. 

Used to make me mad when these scientist types used to say that monkeys are smarter than dogs. I don’t think so. Dave says he never thought that monkeys were smarter than dogs. Finally someone on the Discovery Channel did a show called Dogs Decoded. And I’ve become vindicated!  It also had a shot of my cousin Wyatt the wolf on there. The humans finally admitted that dogs, that be me!, were a lot smarter than the humans thought they were. Duh! Duh Duh!  It’s about time!  It showed this monkey trying to get this treat from under a cup. The human testing him would point to the cup and the monkey because he was so greedy, always got the wrong cup. What a dumb ass!  Woof!

I get lots of hugs for being a good “science doggy” Dave’s tag for me when he’s got his science teacher hat on.  Sometimes I get to be hot rod mechanic too. Dave lets me cruise around in the shop while he’s “wrenching” on his hot rods. I like the word “wrenching”, it reminds me of wrenching something lose with my teeth sorta like the time I “wrenched” the stuffing out of his old comforter. Dave didn’t’ like that much so I don’t do that anymore either. Sure was fun though. I was the dog hero rescuing my girlfriend doggie from the deadly comforter. Of course I had to kill it and shake it just a little.  I think my Quantum toys are outside right now. I don’t think rain will hurt my “proton” or the positron that L gave me. I like the positron a lot it smells like L. She’s nice. I like it when she kisses me.  Maybe I like Quantum Mechanics after all. Getting hugs from Dave and kisses from L for being a good science doggy is worth being a Dog Scientist!

Woof Woof!